My Kid's Life: As A Wizard

He'll be born. Being a muggle myself (thanks Mom and Dad...), my son will inherit his wizarding prowess from his magical mother. This kid is going to be a boss. He'll be raised well enough, and when he's young I'll be studying my ass off to learn about the magical world. Of course my wife'll be magical and being an adult, will be able to use magic at will to do stuff around the house. I kindof imagine it being somewhat similar to the scene in the Sword in the Stone, where all the dishes clean themselves. A mix between that and Matilda. Sweet.

Knowing that he's to be a wizard he'll be brought up knowing that he'll be attending school. Having moved to The United Kingdom (as they obviously have the best school system) he will be shipped off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, as this is as close to a public school of witchcraft and wizardry that there is. He'll get a bitchin' wand from Ollivanders, which of course is going to be really BA. Probably one made of Alder...maybe Dragon heartstring core. We'll see. After a quick stop at the Leaky Cauldron for some grub, we'll buy him some robes, get him an owl, and buy him some books at Flourish and Blotts. Pretty normal stuff.

Then after wishing this kid a good semester at Hogwarts from Platform 9 3/4 (he'll come back over winter holidays) he'll be off into the wizarding world. He'll excel at wizarding, cause let's face it; this kid is going to be the man. Need I even say what house he'll be in? (Hint: Rhymes with Schmyffindor.) Everyone knows how good Hermione Granger was back in the day. Well my kid's gonna be just as good (but might not use the Time-Turner). Snape can make a spell? My kids gonna make two. And they're gonna be awesome ones. And guess what. QUIDDITCH BABY. He's gonna be a wiz (no pun intended) when it comes to brooms. Now I'm not gonna say that he'll make the team during his first year, but boy, after puberty hits, he'll be an ace Chaser. He'll be scoring left and right, and soon enough people are gonna be like "Who needs a Snitch!" and then after he passes his O.W.L.S. and his N.E.W.T.S. he'll dabble in pro Quidditch, maybe win the World Cup for the Americans, depends on if the timing is right.

After that he'll travel the world. Doing wizarding things, finding wizard stuff, just establishing his name you know? People'll eventually start being like, "Oh hey have you heard of all the good work that _____ has been doing?" or "I hear some guy named _____ has been cleaning up those dark wizards!" or "Boy that _____ sure has made some intriguing discoveries about wizarding history." Seriously this kid is gonna be hounded by the Daily Prophet, because he's going to be the next big thing since Harry Potter. Yeah. I said it. From there my kid is gonna settle down, maybe be an Auror or some other sweet wizarding job. He'll be rather humble, even though at this point he'll have acquired quite the mountain of treasure from all his prior adventures. He'll settle down, and from there the Redding line will become one of those famous lines, similar to the Black and Peverell families.

Sure enough, somewhere down the line Dark Sorcerers shall try and tip the balance between good and evil, and I have no doubt in my mind that my lineage will be there to halt their sordid trespass into the light. Till next time, Nox!

P.S. I thoroughly apologize for any alienation that could have occurred during this post. Please tune in next time for something more macho and manly.

My Kid's Life: As I've Planned It

He'll be born. Then the training will begin. He'll become enrolled in a school of espionage, where he'll learn to trust no one. Then he'll work his way through the ranks of spy-hood until eventually I intervene and bring him back into the normal world. I'll either do that, or I'll plant subliminal knowledge of how to be a spy during his dreams. We'll see where my finances are at that point in my life.

Either way, from there on in, my kid will be the kid that you want to be your best friend. Break your arm skateboarding? He knows how to set a quick cast. In trouble with the Mob? He'll fix it. Need a quick getaway? He'll be the Wheelman. This kid is going to be F%$KING Awesome. With a capital A. Seriously. I'm designing this kid to be The Man. Your Bro. Your BFF. Your Best Man. I mean, can any self-respecting dude out there say to anyone, "No, I wouldn't want someone who could save my ass in any situation to be my best friend." Correct answer: No. And if you said otherwise, your Man Card has been revoked, and should be sent in to your nearest Man Center of Manliness.

This notion has come upon me from my years of adolescences wasted thinking to myself: "Man, I wish I could just ninja over there and up that wall." Or: "I gotta get out of here now! If only I could blend into the shadows and disappear into the night." See that's why I might be leaning towards the subliminal spy thing. That way my kid'll grow up thinking all that, then one birthday I'll be like, "Hey son, Happy Birthday. Super Molasses Laffy Taffy Ping Pong SKIDOOSH!" Of course he'll just think to himself, "Oh Shit. It happened. Dad finally flipped. Where's my bat? Do I even have a bat?" And I'll see that look on his face and chuckle, and so will he... UNTIL HE SEES A THROWING STAR FLYING TOWARDS HIM!! He'll do a Morgan (for reference, watch Chuck) and then when he looks up to see what happened to the throwing star, he'll see that he holds it precisely in between the thumb and forefinger of his right hand. He'll be astonished. More so after he hears how he is secretly a spy, and how I have activated his secret spy powers with my lengthy key phrase. (Fear not. I shall use a far more intricate phrase that shall be coded for my voice and his ears that will only work on the right occasion.) But then if I have crafted his character correctly, HE WILL FLIP OUT WITH AWESOMENESS. He might actually do a flip with his newfound ninja/spy training. I'll leave that up to chance.

From there on out, that kid is going to be a boss. Using his newfound powers for awesomeness and baddassity. And who knows, maybe he'll save the world or something. That'd be the cherry on top. He'll go on to do very prestigious acts, save important people, and all around just being a huge producer of good karma in the world. (I'll get a little credit, as he's on my tab.) But I will also get mad props for being maniacal enough to teach him how to be so Boss. I can only imagine that my wife'll have some doing in raising him, thusly absorbing some of the good karma, and credit. But I'll come to that when I come to it.

I am trying to describe to you what this kid will be like, but in truth, words will not be able to describe him. Unless they find a new word for him. And just like that it comes to me. I'll create a name for him and that name will become the only word that can describe him. People will be like "There goes _____ he is so _____." I can only imagine that after his popularity sky rockets due to his ever-lengthening list of good-deed-ery, the amount of parents that will name their children after him will number in the hundreds of thousands, if not millions.

Now, you will notice that I have left his name blank. That is because not only have I not decided on his name yet, but should I have already decided on his name, and told you all now, his name would be stolen, not un-similar to that of Seven Costanza. The history books will hold our name in High Esteem. Until the Cyborgs enslave Humanity in the late 21st Century. Then our bloodline shall go underground, forming the First Human Resistance. I would go on, but I fear of becoming too Nostradamus-like in my predictions.

Well, at least that's what I have planned out. We'll just have to see what happens tomorrow. Because tomorrow could change everything.

P.S. References in Tonight's Blog were sponsored by: Kung Fu Panda, Chuck, Seinfeld, and Futurama.