Helpful Hints Vol. 2: How to Erase Your 7 Page Paper and Still Not Erase It

Let me take you back about 12 hours now.


A young man has been working on a 5 page research paper with an annotated bibliography for about 7 hours. He has been killing it. He's drank a Monster, and he doesn't even know what Facebook is. When he's not typing away listening to classical music, he's on Google Books, reading research. 


That's it. He's finished. It's a miracle! All that's left to do is copy and paste the bibliography from one word document into the other, and it's a done deal! 3:40 AM? Not bad at all.


But wait! It's 3:40 AM! He confuses one document for another! He closes a document... NO! Sweet baby Jesus; No! What has he done!? All his work! His research! His paragraphs! His footnotes! WHY!?!?!?!

Hi, my name is Jim Redding. That young man was me. I know what you're saying to yourself. "How're you still alive? How did you re-write your paper? What gave you the mental fortitude?" True, there was about 20 solid minutes there where I was absolutely convinced that I had one option: my untimely demise. But let me walk you through the 4 Steps of Post-Deletion Grief, or PDG as I believe the clinical term is called.

Step 1: Disbelief.

No way. I definitely saved it. I had to have. Right? Everyone saves right?.There's no way I didn't save it. NO. I know! I'll just turn off the computer, open Word, and it'll be there waiting!

It should be noted that it took me a solid 20 minutes with my head pounding on my table to get my computer back up. 1st time I restarted it, it tried to check my disk. There was absolutely no time for those shenanigans. Also, it helps if you pray to RoboJesus. I did. Jesus just wasn't cutting it. I mean really, what does he know about computers? He's a carpenter.

Step 2: Anger

It's not there. I opened Word, and it's not there. !@#$%^&^%$#%$#@#$%$#@#$%$#@!@#$%^$#@!@#$#@$%$# THIS IS ^%$#@%^%#@$%^%$#@#$#$#@#$%$#.

This is not a fun time.

Step 3: Remember the Power of being a Nerd.

You've been training your whole life for this. You've been on a computer since kindergarten in one form or another. You can do this. YOU HAVE THE POWER.

Fact: When you're a nerd, you've got options. Now I knew there were temporary files, only problem was I didn't know how to open them. I was weak of heart and downloaded some backward mal-ware installing program that said it could read .tmp files. I did have the constitution of mind to not let it download most of it's other crap on my computer. I mean does anyone really want Yahoo Toolbar installed? No. But I bet most people have it and five other obscure bars, because they don't realize during those things that say "Quick Install" or "Custom Install" you should always pick "Custom." Anyway, after realizing that the product was absolute crap, I turned to sweet, sweet Google. I literally typed in "how to find temporary files for word documents" and hit search. Digging around I found that you can force Word to open those Temporary files. Better yet, there's another file type called .asd, or AutoSave Document. After searching "My Computer" for those file types, (search *.asd) I found a recent file, forced Word to open it, and Bam-za-dam, you've got your file back, or at least the last auto-save of it.

Step 4: Thank your lucky stars, and for the love of god SAVE THE DAMN FILE.

Heavy breathing followed by collapse. And tweeting.

Pretty self explanatory. Realize that you got lucky. So lucky. Realize that the Save button shall now be clicked every two minutes, like clockwork. Clock. Work.

For a solid half an hour last night, I thought my heart was going to explode, I was going to have to re-write a 5 page research paper, I was going to kill myself, or a combination of all three. It is not a pleasant experience, and I wish it on no one. However if this horrible catastrophe happens to you, follow my guide, or worst case scenario send me a message. I've been there. To Hell and back. I survived, and so can you.

Godspeed fellow writers. Godspeed.

Helpful Hints Vol.1: How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

As everybody knows, or perhaps should know, when it comes to the Zombie Apocalypse it is not a matter of who, what, why, or any other interrogative question other than when?

Hint 1: Stay Calm. Panic will not lead to rational decisions.

Sure, when you hear the news that somewhere in the world humans have indeed risen from the dead and are now stalking the earth in an attempt to feed their hunger for human flesh, you might get a little panicked. Understandable. But after your moment of terror, you should realize that this is the day you've been waiting for.

Hint 2: Practice makes Perfect.

Any responsible human has been training for Z-Day for years. Through video games, movies, and even published survival guides, the future leaders of mankind's survivors have honed their senses and strategies to the point where when this goes down, they'll grab their gear, and hit the road even before the rioters and looters hit the streets. These stoic champions go unnoticed now, but when the time comes, look around for your closest nerd, for he or she has the skill-set to save your sorry butt.

Hint 3: Find the Nerd.

Much like there is an urgent call over the loudspeaker when someone becomes ill on a plane for the Doctor, when you hear that Zombies have arisen, unless you yourself are a nerd, look around you, call out, and run to them for aid. A good nerd will know what to bring, as well as where to go.

Hint 4: Pack light, but for the long haul.

Packing a ton of clothes, smart on some levels, not on others. You don't want to be burdened by excess as when your life is in danger from the un-dead, fashion will not be your priority. Though one's first thought might be to abandon all luxuries and focus purely on weaponry and resources, at the same time, should this be the last time you're in your homestead, take something that will get you through the long nights when the Zombies are at the gates. This includes iPods, paperback books, cell phones, and other portable electronics, as well as their respective chargers. We'll have no idea until Z-Day on whether power will go out, cell service will go down, or blood will rain from the sky, but as electricity and water hopefully won't go right away, packing a few small items with such great value will surely be of use. Flashlights and Radios are a must!

Hint 5: Know where you're going, and get there ASAP.

Now if you're relying on your resident nerd to have this planned out, you're probably going to just have to follow orders in this part, but then it is up to the nerd to have this planned out. Key properties of a good safe haven include:

• Food or some other form of sustenance
• Fences
• A look out, or watch tower
• Tools, or other weapons
• Sturdy
• Scentless, or Scent covering

For example; the Marblehead Garden Center is an ideal place to get through the Zombie Apocalypse. It has fences on all sides, lots of concrete blocks (perfect for building or re-enforcing walls), a basement for storage, a second floor which can see the entirety of the property, plenty of shovels, spades, pick axes, a lot of hoses, direct access to the sewer system, pallets filled with stone for defense, fertilizer for explosives, and foul smelling manure to cover the scent of our human flesh. It also has a huge tractor and a truck which could be used to plow a hole through the horde, and whisk survivors to safety respectively. With a little heads up, and a team of strong men I am positive that I could have that place Zombie proof within 24 hours of the outbreak. And with plenty of dirt, as well as fruit, herbs and vegetables, the Garden Center is a veritable gold mine of survival. It falls to the nerd to have assessed their town and other surrounding areas for this ideal safe haven. Perhaps it is a high school, an abandoned factory or some other location with some of these qualities.

Hint 6: Rely on each other.

I'm not saying let every yahoo into your haven, who happens to walk by. It's the Apocalypse for crying out loud! But if you go to someplace where you trust people, and they trust people, and nobody is leaving any time soon, cooperation is going to be key for your survival.

Hint 7: Get ready for a long one.

Elect a leader, or perhaps leaders if democracy is your thing, hunker in, and start building some shelter, because who knows how long this Apocalypse is gonna take. The Government is going to do everything they can and all that, but who knows how long it's going to take for you and your fellow survivors to be rescued. Defense is the name of the game. I don't care if you hunker down in a gun store, only attack Zombies when absolutely necessary. Zombies will react to noise, as well as movement, and blowing a hole through one Zombie isn't going to make any difference in the whole of it.

Hint 8: Don't get bitten.

Duh. Bitten, scratched, slobbered on; No one knows how this zombie-ness will infect normal humans, and we can only hope it's not airborne. But basically, unless you want to spend the remainder of your days haunting your former compatriots, do yourself and your friends a favor, and leave camp while you still have the ability to make your own decisions.

Hint 9: Look for weaknesses.

Sure, Zombies have traditionally one weakness, this being loss of their central nervous system, or BOOM HEADSHOT. But hey, who knows, if you see that they keep rapidly decaying over time, or have an aversion to water, use it to your advantage! If they have a weakness besides brain loss this Apocalypse could be over sooner than we think!

Hint 10: Stay connected.

Hopefully everything doesn't go to hell in a handbasket and phones and internet stay up. Bar that keep your radio tuned in. I'm sure somebody will broadcast something letting people know what is up. Maybe even if you find the weakness you can save some lives!

Well, that's all for my Helpful Hints, so be sure to be prepared! If nothing else remember: It's not if but when, and don't you dare go to the Garden Center.