The Bizarre Dreams of Jim Redding

Okay so I just woke up from a dream. It started as I was a little kid going on a walking tour of Amherst as a grade school field trip with my roommate Andy. Then somehow it wasn't Amherst but the road that I get off Route 2 onto to get to Amherst, but it was still the place we were supposed to be. Now in reaity this is just a long stretch of road with some gas stations, a batting cage, a mini golf course, and an ice cream shop on it. Those were all there albeit on a much smaller scale. Also, this outdoor road somehow ended up in some kind of mall food court. But there were only two places in it, and one guy working the two places. It just so happened that my friend Beckett was said guy. Apparently we could only order after getting selected. By this time I was the right age again. Beckett's first pick was my friend Brian who I had apparently been standing next to the entire time. The menu options were only chicken cutlet sandwiches. After Brian ordered I got picked next. But now the menu options were only roast beef sandwiches. I remember I thought about getting two roast beefs, and a small soda, cause I'd just refill it with water in the bubbler after. But I ended up ordering a double roast beef sandwich. With bacon. So as Beckett put this into the machine that produced the roast beef, a siren or something went off and everyone was looking at me wondering why I hadn't taken my tee shot yet. I was now Christopher Chance, the guy from Human Target, and I was on a golf course. I had never played golf before but I knew the basics and being this guy I was just naturally good at everything. So I step up to take my shot, which was now not my tee shot, but my approach shot, and I got it real close to the hole. Then as I turned my back to the hole, and put my club over my shoulder, and the view switched to a camera angle facing me as a mid-close up, where somehow you could see me and also see the ball, in focus, some long distance away, roll and roll and roll into the hole. It was a hole in one I guess. So then as I'm walking to get my ball, I started talking to Winston, Chance's partner on the show, over the radio, the view switched to him, and next thing you know, some random chick starts talking to him, he realizes she's packing heat, he yells and tells me the op is blown over the communicator, and then next thing I know he tackles me into a portal or something, then I think I saw zombies or something. The next thing I saw was my mom opening my door asking me if I had anymore laundry in my room. I told her I put it all by the laundry machine.

That last part actually happened, but the rest of it was just as real. If anybody can tell me what my dream meant, please, enlighten me. But as far as I can figure, sometimes a dream is just a dream.

Helpful Hints Vol.1: How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

As everybody knows, or perhaps should know, when it comes to the Zombie Apocalypse it is not a matter of who, what, why, or any other interrogative question other than when?

Hint 1: Stay Calm. Panic will not lead to rational decisions.

Sure, when you hear the news that somewhere in the world humans have indeed risen from the dead and are now stalking the earth in an attempt to feed their hunger for human flesh, you might get a little panicked. Understandable. But after your moment of terror, you should realize that this is the day you've been waiting for.

Hint 2: Practice makes Perfect.

Any responsible human has been training for Z-Day for years. Through video games, movies, and even published survival guides, the future leaders of mankind's survivors have honed their senses and strategies to the point where when this goes down, they'll grab their gear, and hit the road even before the rioters and looters hit the streets. These stoic champions go unnoticed now, but when the time comes, look around for your closest nerd, for he or she has the skill-set to save your sorry butt.

Hint 3: Find the Nerd.

Much like there is an urgent call over the loudspeaker when someone becomes ill on a plane for the Doctor, when you hear that Zombies have arisen, unless you yourself are a nerd, look around you, call out, and run to them for aid. A good nerd will know what to bring, as well as where to go.

Hint 4: Pack light, but for the long haul.

Packing a ton of clothes, smart on some levels, not on others. You don't want to be burdened by excess as when your life is in danger from the un-dead, fashion will not be your priority. Though one's first thought might be to abandon all luxuries and focus purely on weaponry and resources, at the same time, should this be the last time you're in your homestead, take something that will get you through the long nights when the Zombies are at the gates. This includes iPods, paperback books, cell phones, and other portable electronics, as well as their respective chargers. We'll have no idea until Z-Day on whether power will go out, cell service will go down, or blood will rain from the sky, but as electricity and water hopefully won't go right away, packing a few small items with such great value will surely be of use. Flashlights and Radios are a must!

Hint 5: Know where you're going, and get there ASAP.

Now if you're relying on your resident nerd to have this planned out, you're probably going to just have to follow orders in this part, but then it is up to the nerd to have this planned out. Key properties of a good safe haven include:

• Food or some other form of sustenance
• Fences
• A look out, or watch tower
• Tools, or other weapons
• Sturdy
• Scentless, or Scent covering

For example; the Marblehead Garden Center is an ideal place to get through the Zombie Apocalypse. It has fences on all sides, lots of concrete blocks (perfect for building or re-enforcing walls), a basement for storage, a second floor which can see the entirety of the property, plenty of shovels, spades, pick axes, a lot of hoses, direct access to the sewer system, pallets filled with stone for defense, fertilizer for explosives, and foul smelling manure to cover the scent of our human flesh. It also has a huge tractor and a truck which could be used to plow a hole through the horde, and whisk survivors to safety respectively. With a little heads up, and a team of strong men I am positive that I could have that place Zombie proof within 24 hours of the outbreak. And with plenty of dirt, as well as fruit, herbs and vegetables, the Garden Center is a veritable gold mine of survival. It falls to the nerd to have assessed their town and other surrounding areas for this ideal safe haven. Perhaps it is a high school, an abandoned factory or some other location with some of these qualities.

Hint 6: Rely on each other.

I'm not saying let every yahoo into your haven, who happens to walk by. It's the Apocalypse for crying out loud! But if you go to someplace where you trust people, and they trust people, and nobody is leaving any time soon, cooperation is going to be key for your survival.

Hint 7: Get ready for a long one.

Elect a leader, or perhaps leaders if democracy is your thing, hunker in, and start building some shelter, because who knows how long this Apocalypse is gonna take. The Government is going to do everything they can and all that, but who knows how long it's going to take for you and your fellow survivors to be rescued. Defense is the name of the game. I don't care if you hunker down in a gun store, only attack Zombies when absolutely necessary. Zombies will react to noise, as well as movement, and blowing a hole through one Zombie isn't going to make any difference in the whole of it.

Hint 8: Don't get bitten.

Duh. Bitten, scratched, slobbered on; No one knows how this zombie-ness will infect normal humans, and we can only hope it's not airborne. But basically, unless you want to spend the remainder of your days haunting your former compatriots, do yourself and your friends a favor, and leave camp while you still have the ability to make your own decisions.

Hint 9: Look for weaknesses.

Sure, Zombies have traditionally one weakness, this being loss of their central nervous system, or BOOM HEADSHOT. But hey, who knows, if you see that they keep rapidly decaying over time, or have an aversion to water, use it to your advantage! If they have a weakness besides brain loss this Apocalypse could be over sooner than we think!

Hint 10: Stay connected.

Hopefully everything doesn't go to hell in a handbasket and phones and internet stay up. Bar that keep your radio tuned in. I'm sure somebody will broadcast something letting people know what is up. Maybe even if you find the weakness you can save some lives!

Well, that's all for my Helpful Hints, so be sure to be prepared! If nothing else remember: It's not if but when, and don't you dare go to the Garden Center.