The Great French Fry Debate: An Epic

It started as a joke. Much like it always does.


Our current Sunday ritual stands as this: Over the course of the morning, Kevin, Andy and I will rouse ourselves from sleep at some point before 1PM. Why? Well we need to set our Fantasy Football line-ups don't we? Jon is usually already over by the time the pre-game shows are on. As we re-cap our Saturday nights, and weep for our fallen comrades from the night before, the TV tantalizes us with advertisements of delectable, greasy goodness. Jake is usually somewhere doing something, typically Clockey related activities. This past week, after Jon had left to go enjoy the games on DirecTV, the three of us remaining languished in that subtle state between lethargy and boredom. In prior weeks, Kevin's jests had spurred expeditions to Taco Bell, and KFC. Kevin and AG pioneered the Taco Bell trip, and I joined up during KFC but this... This was a whole new frontier.


Kevin said something eloquent, and thought provoking, along the lines of, "Kid, Whoppers?" to which Andy and myself both laughed. "Alright, Big Macs," was the response. "Nah, man. Nah," Andy concluded. However by the time the 7th or 8th Burger King commercial came on, our pallets were sufficiently whetted. 


"Okay. Burger King then McDonald's at the end of the First Quarter." Andy threw down the gauntlet, to which an excited Kevin replied, "Nice." I nodded fearing the worst was to come. As the first quarter of the football game hit 00:00, the boys and I rallied, grabbing wallets, phones and keys, exiting the apartment, sealing our fate.


We joked about how fat we were on our way out. We talked about how fun this was going to be. We went to the supermarket, grabbing groceries for a five layer dip for later, as well as a large pepperoni pizza for a mere $6.49. The jokes continued. 


Burger King. Andy pulled up to the drive-thru. The game was afoot. We quickly vetoed this idea, opting to go inside and order. Entering this grim establishment, we were greeted by a man who had forgotten his money in the car, trying to pay for him and his son's meals. We debated options on the menu as the man ran to the car. Returning, he payed for a 12 dollar meal with a hundred dollar bill. Working as a cashier myself when someone pays with an a hundred dollar bill there's a subtle sense of,  "This guy paid with an 100 dollar bill oh snap I gotta step up my game." The guy panicked. He was jumbling around 20's and 5's and his manager eventually had to come around and figure it out for him. As a natural defense mechanism, the guy made a joke. Who wouldn't? "Hey I failed math in high school!" Kev, AG and I smiled that kinda nice save/pity smile, but the guy in front of us nailed him with, "That's why you work at Burger King!"


Our faces slackened. Jaws: Dropped. Did he really just say that? I mean, some people in the depths of their mind might think that but we have standards, decency! We were shell-shocked. The Manager tried to save it, by saying that BK hired college level employees now, but the damage was done. The cashier took our orders then slinked away, busying himself until the guy left. It was brutal. Also: Andy had never had never had a Coke ICEE. I know right? Well Kevin quickly remedied that. I grabbed a crown, we grabbed our food, and we were off. I gave the other two a fry each. "Who's got the best fries?" I asked, to which we all had different answers. We argued a bit, laughing it off.


But wait... "We're already going to BK and McDonald's... Wendy's?" one of us propounded. We all nodded determinedly. Game on. Next stop: McDonald's. Cheaper than BK, twice the people working, same wait time. We all tried the fries. We zigged, we zagged, we made our way to Wendy's. Of course we all got more food, and more fries. Let's be honest, Wendy's stepped their game up with the sea salt on their fries. The decision was made. Wendy's was most certainly the victor, but this time, it was to the Debaters who went the spoils. 


Making our way home, neighbors were shocked, and disgusted at the debasing task we had put ahead of ourselves. We finally entered our apartment, and laid out our treasures across our feasting table. This picture was the damage.


We collected our food, and I said Grace.


"Dear Lord in Heaven, Thank you for this meal in front of us. And If we die, Know! It was worth it."


"Amen."


What happened next can not be put into words. I will say this. There was great suffering that day. There were no more jokes made. Nobody was happy. No one thought it was fun. The Great French Fry Debate had been settled. But at what cost?

In Memoriam: Kevin, Andy and Jim's collective health.
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