My Thoughts: Reality TV

First, as my Discussion and Debate teacher Mrs. Clough taught me, let's define our terms shall we?

• Reality TV, (re-al-it-ee tee-vee), A Television program that is based around real people, not acting, participating in some sort of series of events.
• Series of Events, (cee-ree-zuh ov ee-ven-tuh-zz), Situations set in to place solely to cause drama among participants.

So I think that just about covers it. Unless you want me to define Drama for you, but I think you can grasp that. I'm not trying to bore you all to death...or am I?

So. Blunt and simple, Reality TV SUCKS. It started with Survivor. At least that's when I picked up on it. And I've watched my few shows from here to there. I even liked Celebrity Mole. But at a certain point, I saw Reality TV for what it was, and is. Cheap money.

Flashback to the late 1990's....

Bill: "John we're running out of cash, and we need a new idea for a TV show."
John: "I know Bill but we don't have the money to hire anyone! No screenwriters, and certainly not a cast of characters!"
Bill: "I know! I know, but damnit we have to try! What about picking somebody up off the streets? See if they can act?"
John: "No no no, that won't work...but you might be on to something.... What if we just went around and picked some people up off the streets, and threw them into some situation just to see how they'd act?"
Bill: "I see where you're going...but where could we put them?"
John: "Someplace....desolate....Iowa?"
Bill: "Too boring...What about... an Island?"
John: "Brilliant! We'll throw some random people on an island.... but what will we do there?"
Bill: "I don't know...Survive?"
John: "Yeah...or maybe do an obstacle course or something?"
Bill: "Yeah! We'll throw 'em on an island, put them through an obstacle course or something, put a cash prize at the end, and all they've got to do is survive it all and they win! But what to call it?"
John: "I don't know....Survive? Survivor?"
Bill: "Survivor! That's it! If we do weekly eliminations I'm sure we can get a whole season's worth of drama out of this crap!"
John: "We'll have them talk trash about the others to the camera and just fill up half the episode with it! Cuts down on production time, and money! I think we've just saved our jobs!"
Bill: "No John, I think we've just started... a revolution..."

Or at least that's how I think it went. Anyway. Those guys should die. Because eventually after people got bored of filming real people in obviously fake situations for money or fame or love (e.g. Survivor, American Idol, The Bachelor,) they started trying to film people in obviously fake situations for absolutely no reason, and passing it off as Reality TV. I'm talking about crap, B.S. show's that have descriptions like "Follow Jill as she goes through the rigors of marriage, but watch out cause she's really feisty!" or "Watch as little Annie Sue struggles through her pregnancy...as a 16 year old!" JESUS CHRIST. WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICA THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY WATCH THIS SHIT? I'm sorry but your "Watching their lives fall apart makes me feel better about my life," Excuse isn't going to fly with me. You want to feel better about your life? Take a f*cking walk through Boston, and look at all the homeless people. Oh but that would involve you getting up and moving wouldn't it? And we don't want to do that now do we?

The crap they put on the air is mind-numbing, if not mind-draining in its stupidity. Here's how they come up with their shows:

• They say they're making a show about brides getting ready for their weddings.
  
• They find ones who have a tendency to freak out when something goes wrong.
• They tell them they've been selected.
  
• They put a camera crew out there. Throw in a few bucks so it's a good deal.
• THEY MAKE SHIT GO WRONG.
  
• Then they sit back and tape the fireworks.
• A little editing and post-production, they have a show.

I'm sorry, but if you're going to watch these shows, you should have to pay money, and give it to some sort of charity. Maybe a school or something so people will be smart enough to not watch these shows some day.

Now, to take a breather, I am not hating on all Reality TV. Some shows actually do good and help people. Extreme Home Makeover (even though I've heard it's a ripoff) they still give families a nice home. Pimp My Ride, they give some kid a really nice car, that they'll probably end up selling, so they'll at least get some cash. And some shows like Man vs. Wild, I wouldn't even classify as Reality TV in the sense I've previously defined, as it offers something that all these other shows do not. Knowledge. Which is goning to serve you better than that warm feeling you get after you watch Brian finally propose to Sue, because you know in your heart of hearts, that by the time that episode aired, they've already broken up, and she's in talks working on the deal to be the next Bachelorette.

So do yourself a favor. Next time you sit down to watch another pregnant 16 year old from a white trash family whose Dad was an abusive alcoholic and left the family, which resulted in the psychological problems that caused her to have unprotected sex at 16, hit the "Guide" button on your remote, and see if you can't find something with some sort of social relevance, or at least something that isn't as petty enough as to profit off of a 16 year old's bad decisions. If everybody just says No, maybe we can put a stop-gap in the fall of our society into chair-ridden fat asses.

For worst case, and most probable scenario at this point, watch Idiocracy.
For a better case, and still pretty probable scenario, see WALL-E. PEACE. I'M OUT.

My Kid's Life: As I've Planned It

He'll be born. Then the training will begin. He'll become enrolled in a school of espionage, where he'll learn to trust no one. Then he'll work his way through the ranks of spy-hood until eventually I intervene and bring him back into the normal world. I'll either do that, or I'll plant subliminal knowledge of how to be a spy during his dreams. We'll see where my finances are at that point in my life.

Either way, from there on in, my kid will be the kid that you want to be your best friend. Break your arm skateboarding? He knows how to set a quick cast. In trouble with the Mob? He'll fix it. Need a quick getaway? He'll be the Wheelman. This kid is going to be F%$KING Awesome. With a capital A. Seriously. I'm designing this kid to be The Man. Your Bro. Your BFF. Your Best Man. I mean, can any self-respecting dude out there say to anyone, "No, I wouldn't want someone who could save my ass in any situation to be my best friend." Correct answer: No. And if you said otherwise, your Man Card has been revoked, and should be sent in to your nearest Man Center of Manliness.

This notion has come upon me from my years of adolescences wasted thinking to myself: "Man, I wish I could just ninja over there and up that wall." Or: "I gotta get out of here now! If only I could blend into the shadows and disappear into the night." See that's why I might be leaning towards the subliminal spy thing. That way my kid'll grow up thinking all that, then one birthday I'll be like, "Hey son, Happy Birthday. Super Molasses Laffy Taffy Ping Pong SKIDOOSH!" Of course he'll just think to himself, "Oh Shit. It happened. Dad finally flipped. Where's my bat? Do I even have a bat?" And I'll see that look on his face and chuckle, and so will he... UNTIL HE SEES A THROWING STAR FLYING TOWARDS HIM!! He'll do a Morgan (for reference, watch Chuck) and then when he looks up to see what happened to the throwing star, he'll see that he holds it precisely in between the thumb and forefinger of his right hand. He'll be astonished. More so after he hears how he is secretly a spy, and how I have activated his secret spy powers with my lengthy key phrase. (Fear not. I shall use a far more intricate phrase that shall be coded for my voice and his ears that will only work on the right occasion.) But then if I have crafted his character correctly, HE WILL FLIP OUT WITH AWESOMENESS. He might actually do a flip with his newfound ninja/spy training. I'll leave that up to chance.

From there on out, that kid is going to be a boss. Using his newfound powers for awesomeness and baddassity. And who knows, maybe he'll save the world or something. That'd be the cherry on top. He'll go on to do very prestigious acts, save important people, and all around just being a huge producer of good karma in the world. (I'll get a little credit, as he's on my tab.) But I will also get mad props for being maniacal enough to teach him how to be so Boss. I can only imagine that my wife'll have some doing in raising him, thusly absorbing some of the good karma, and credit. But I'll come to that when I come to it.

I am trying to describe to you what this kid will be like, but in truth, words will not be able to describe him. Unless they find a new word for him. And just like that it comes to me. I'll create a name for him and that name will become the only word that can describe him. People will be like "There goes _____ he is so _____." I can only imagine that after his popularity sky rockets due to his ever-lengthening list of good-deed-ery, the amount of parents that will name their children after him will number in the hundreds of thousands, if not millions.

Now, you will notice that I have left his name blank. That is because not only have I not decided on his name yet, but should I have already decided on his name, and told you all now, his name would be stolen, not un-similar to that of Seven Costanza. The history books will hold our name in High Esteem. Until the Cyborgs enslave Humanity in the late 21st Century. Then our bloodline shall go underground, forming the First Human Resistance. I would go on, but I fear of becoming too Nostradamus-like in my predictions.

Well, at least that's what I have planned out. We'll just have to see what happens tomorrow. Because tomorrow could change everything.

P.S. References in Tonight's Blog were sponsored by: Kung Fu Panda, Chuck, Seinfeld, and Futurama.