He'll be born. Then the training will begin. He'll become enrolled in a school of espionage, where he'll learn to trust no one. Then he'll work his way through the ranks of spy-hood until eventually I intervene and bring him back into the normal world. I'll either do that, or I'll plant subliminal knowledge of how to be a spy during his dreams. We'll see where my finances are at that point in my life.
Either way, from there on in, my kid will be the kid that you want to be your best friend. Break your arm skateboarding? He knows how to set a quick cast. In trouble with the Mob? He'll fix it. Need a quick getaway? He'll be the Wheelman. This kid is going to be F%$KING Awesome. With a capital A. Seriously. I'm designing this kid to be The Man. Your Bro. Your BFF. Your Best Man. I mean, can any self-respecting dude out there say to anyone, "No, I wouldn't want someone who could save my ass in any situation to be my best friend." Correct answer: No. And if you said otherwise, your Man Card has been revoked, and should be sent in to your nearest Man Center of Manliness.
This notion has come upon me from my years of adolescences wasted thinking to myself: "Man, I wish I could just ninja over there and up that wall." Or: "I gotta get out of here now! If only I could blend into the shadows and disappear into the night." See that's why I might be leaning towards the subliminal spy thing. That way my kid'll grow up thinking all that, then one birthday I'll be like, "Hey son, Happy Birthday. Super Molasses Laffy Taffy Ping Pong SKIDOOSH!" Of course he'll just think to himself, "Oh Shit. It happened. Dad finally flipped. Where's my bat? Do I even have a bat?" And I'll see that look on his face and chuckle, and so will he... UNTIL HE SEES A THROWING STAR FLYING TOWARDS HIM!! He'll do a Morgan (for reference, watch Chuck) and then when he looks up to see what happened to the throwing star, he'll see that he holds it precisely in between the thumb and forefinger of his right hand. He'll be astonished. More so after he hears how he is secretly a spy, and how I have activated his secret spy powers with my lengthy key phrase. (Fear not. I shall use a far more intricate phrase that shall be coded for my voice and his ears that will only work on the right occasion.) But then if I have crafted his character correctly, HE WILL FLIP OUT WITH AWESOMENESS. He might actually do a flip with his newfound ninja/spy training. I'll leave that up to chance.
From there on out, that kid is going to be a boss. Using his newfound powers for awesomeness and baddassity. And who knows, maybe he'll save the world or something. That'd be the cherry on top. He'll go on to do very prestigious acts, save important people, and all around just being a huge producer of good karma in the world. (I'll get a little credit, as he's on my tab.) But I will also get mad props for being maniacal enough to teach him how to be so Boss. I can only imagine that my wife'll have some doing in raising him, thusly absorbing some of the good karma, and credit. But I'll come to that when I come to it.
I am trying to describe to you what this kid will be like, but in truth, words will not be able to describe him. Unless they find a new word for him. And just like that it comes to me. I'll create a name for him and that name will become the only word that can describe him. People will be like "There goes _____ he is so _____." I can only imagine that after his popularity sky rockets due to his ever-lengthening list of good-deed-ery, the amount of parents that will name their children after him will number in the hundreds of thousands, if not millions.
Now, you will notice that I have left his name blank. That is because not only have I not decided on his name yet, but should I have already decided on his name, and told you all now, his name would be stolen, not un-similar to that of Seven Costanza. The history books will hold our name in High Esteem. Until the Cyborgs enslave Humanity in the late 21st Century. Then our bloodline shall go underground, forming the First Human Resistance. I would go on, but I fear of becoming too Nostradamus-like in my predictions.
Well, at least that's what I have planned out. We'll just have to see what happens tomorrow. Because tomorrow could change everything.
P.S. References in Tonight's Blog were sponsored by: Kung Fu Panda, Chuck, Seinfeld, and Futurama.
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